A secret past
by kikinja
Summary: A new case brings back bad memories for JJ and another team member. How will they cope with it?
1. Chapter 1

The team had been on this case for two weeks now and still had no hint. It really was the search of a needle in a haystack, they literally had nothing. JJ and Reid were once again asking people around the area who could have seen anything. It was unbelieveble that nobody had heard or seen anything, the women had been killed with five shots each and there were no signs of a silencer. The rest of the team sat in silence in the office they were working in, of the texas oaklahoma police station. Everyone was looking into files or at fotos to find any hints. They were so deep in the files, that they all jumped at the sound of Morgans phone ringing. Morgan first just looked at it, not really registering that he was supposed to answer it. But as soon as he did realize it, he jumped to his feed and answerd it, without even looking at the caller ID. ,Morgan!" ,Hey, put me on speaker, i think i've got something!" Thats all it needed to motivate Morgan a bit although he coud tell that although Garcia got something, she still wasn't the normal, motivated Penelope Garcia everybody knew. Otherwise she would have flirted with him in any possible way. ,You're on speaker Babygirl, what do you got?"


	2. Chapter 2

,Do you remember the little splitter which Emily found at the crimescene of the first body?... It was so small that the forensic overlooked it during the first tests, but when they ran everything over again, they found it. There was blood on it, so they ran a bloodtest, turns out we got a name. He is previously convicted and he fits th..." ,Garcia, tell us the name!", Hotch interrupted her. ,Oh yeah, yeah... his name is Thomas Merrick."

When he heard the name he was brought right back into his nightmare. The one person, he never wanted to see again. The one Person, he had to protect her from the most, he was back. At the thought of her, Rossi snapped out of his thoughts. He didn't even think of letting Garcia say the end of the sentence she was working on. ,Hotch, take Jennifer of the case!" Everyone was shocked for a moment. ,Wait, what?" Everyone was thinking the same ' why should Hotch take JJ of the case' and 'why did he call her Jennifer, he never did this'. ,Take her of the case!" Suddenly it clicked in Emilys head. , Are you sure, Dave? When she told me, it didn't seem like it would take such a big toll on her, i think she could cope with it. ,I am damn sure!" ,Would somebody please tell, what is going on?!" Emily and Rossi both looked eachother in the eyes and Emily could see the anger flashing in his eyes, she though, was worried. She knew he was just trying to protect her, but she wasn't so sure, if this was the right way. ,No! Trust me with this one and just do it! Nobody is allowed to tell her his name! Garcia, did you hear this? NOBODY!"

Behind the phone, Garcia swallowed: ,Yes, sir!"

Morgan and Hotch both wanted to argue - Why won't he tell us?- but one glare from Emily told them not to. Hoth grabbed his phone to call Reid and Morgan told Garcia to call back later.


	3. Chapter 3

They were on their way back to the station when Reids phone rang. ,Reid!" ,Hey Reid, I know it's going to be strange, but just do what i tell you, I'll explain later! You need to bring JJ back to the hotel, cause she is of the case, don't tell her anything about the case anymore!" ,Erm, ... Okay!" Reid was confused. ,I want you to give her to me, so I can talk to her!"

JJ was looking out the window when Reid gave her the phone. He mouthed 'Hotch' before focusing back on the street. JJ only heard parts of the conversation,but from what she heard, she coud tell, something was up. ,Whats up, Hotch?" ,JJ, Reids gonna take you back to the hotel. You're of the cas..." ,Wait what?! Why?",JJ asked in total disbelief. ,I can't tell you, just let Reid take you back to the hotel!" With that he ended the phone call. It was true he couldn't tell her, but not because he wasn't allowed to, he didn't know why.

JJ couldn't believe it, why wasn't she allowed to work the case anymore and why couldn't he tell her why.

Reid could tell she was angry and confused- and he could understand why, there was nothing she said or did wrong and yet she was of the case - She just handed him the phone and looked with furrowed eyebrowes out of her window.

When they arrived at the hotel, JJ got out of the car without a word and went to her room. Reid was a little worried, because no matter why she wasn't allowed to work the case anymore, it had to be bad. Nevertheless he drove back to the police station, there he would find out what it is about anyways. At least he thougt so.

Meanwhile the team spoke about the information they got on Thomas. ,So, what do we got Pen?" ,Like I wanted to tell you before, my favourite crimefighters, Thomas was previously convicted. The problem is, all of it is blackened. I allready tried to open it, but with no success. His family consists of a wife and a daughter, the wife, Alexandra Merrick, died with 30 and I couldn't find anything about the daughter except of the birthcertificate. Her name is Shelby Merrick and she was born on the 12th May 1992. I'm gonna send you a picture of the wife." ,Is there anything about how the mother died?" Morgan asked interested. ,No, it is also blackened." ,Alright, thank you babygirl."Dereck said, ended the call and then turned to the others. He was about to say something else, when Reid came in: ,Hey what happened? Why do you took her of the case?" ,I unestly don't know." Hotch answered truthfully. ,What?!" Now Reid was even more confused. Why would Hotch take her of the case,if he had no reason? ,It is better this way!" Rossi said annoyed by all the questions and with that he was out of the door. He just needed some fresh air.

Emily looked after him with simpathy in her eyes. She was literally stuck in a dilemma. On one hand, she understood the feelings he had, but on the other hand, she knew that keeping Jayje away, could actually make it worse. Should I tell them? - No! JJ told her in confidence.

Hotchs voice brought her back to reallity: ,Lets tell the sheriff abotut Merrick and see if somebody knows something helpful!"

After talking with the sheriff and a few other police officers who knew or know him, the team knew a lot more about him and his family. The officers said his wife killed herself after she got the child and that the girl died with eight due to a car crash. Thomas was driving drunken. After that he went into prison for 10 years, but got out after only five because of good behaviour. He is actually really kind to everbody, but he drinks a lot. They just finished when Rossi came back in, now looking a lot more relaxed.


	4. Chapter 4

JJ's POV

I sat there in my hotel room and stared at my wall, till there was a hole in there. I am so angry! Why did Hotch take me of the case? I wanted to help find the murderer of these innocent women. And now I'm sitting here doing nothing. Why? I didn't do anything wrong! Did I say something which wasn't appropriate? No! Anyways he couldn't have just taken me of the case, because of something i said. I am so angry!

Now it's to late anyways. i have to do something to distract me, otherwise I will freak out because of no answers. I swap trough the channels and get even angrier. There's just rubbish in there! Nevertheless i decide on watching the news. In the end I decide on taking a shower. When I come back out fully dressed and with almost dry hair, I get back to watching the news, not really paying attention. That was until I heard the name. Now I know why I am of the case. The problem is, it makes me only more angrier. Not Hotch took me of the case, it was Rossi. Arrrgh! Why! He can't be serious! It is not his choice if i see this monster again or not! And Prentiss? She propably didn't even stopping him! I AM SO ANGRY!

The Team all were working on different files and finding out how Thomas Merrick fits together with the victims, when Reid and Morgan saw JJ coming into the station. ,Hey there? What are you doing here, I thought you were of the case? How do you even got her..." ,Where's David?" JJ interrupted him rudely. ,Erm... In there with Emily and Hotch." Morgan pointed out the conference room. When she walked away, he and Reid both got up and followed her: ,This isn't good!" Reid told Derek.

The three of them were sitting at the table looking at the files when the door flew open and JJ came in, walking straight over to Rossi, followed by Reid and Morgan closing the door behind them. ,Are you serious?!" He stood up and looked her right in the eyes: ,I don't know what you mean!" JJ just laughed. ,Oh, you know exactly what i mean! ,How do you even know about it?" Emily asked. ,The news!" JJ said quickly, showing at the TV. ,They weren't supposed to say..." ,But they did! You can't just pull me of the case, because of him!" She yelled at him. Now it was Hotch who spoke: ,JJ, I thin..." ,No, Hotch! I know now why you couldn't tell me why I'm of the case,... because you didn't know why! David, again, you can't just pull me of the case because of him, you propably don't even know if he really killed those women." ,I know that it was him and you know exactly what he is capable of!" ,You don't have to tell me, what he is capable of!I know it, better than you do! That doesn't cahnges anything though!" ,Yes it does! Every Night! Every night, I wake up, scared that he is back to get you!" Rossi looked her right in the eyes, but JJ looked away almost ashamed it. He grabbed in his pocket and got out a golden necklace. ,Every night, i am afraid that I will see this little girl again, curled up in a corner and hanging onto this necklace", he showed JJ the necklace in his fist, ,with her whole life! Scared of everything, scared of the world, because she never saw it before! Not even knowing how human look! Not even knowing what human are! And him in total control of the little girl, just by the sound of his voice! I want to protect you! And not only because I never want to see something like this again, but because I never want you to have to feel like this again!" Everyone was shocked, what they just hurt, didn't make any sense, it just couldn't be real. Rossi waited for her to answer, but she couldn't bare to look him in the eyes. She knew he was right, there was a high possibility, that she could end like this again. But she wasn't this little girl anymore. And this was the point, which Dave couldn't see. She looked him right in the eyes and said: ,I know you do! I know you want to protect me! But I am NOT this little girl anymore! I can protect myself now! And what you are doing, isn't protecting me! And I'm sorry that I have to say this now, but you're just like him! You're not protecting me, you're holding me back! You're holding me back from discovering the world, just like him! You're holding me back from winning, just like him!" Now it was Rossis turn to be speechless. And Emily used this moment of silence to say something: ,I know that I shouldn't be interupting you, cause I wasn't there. But I know from what JJ told me and from what I just heard, that JJ is right, Rossi! You are holding her back! And I know that you just want to protect her, but you don't have to be scared anymore! Cause we are all here, to protect her! She isn't alone! Look at us, we are all here!" She pointed at everyone and they gave him an encouraging look. JJ took his hands and looked him right in the eyes. ,I am safe now!"


	5. Chapter 5

The whole room was silent, nobody said anything. They all had to process what they had just heard. The team didn't now what to think. Emily just hoped that Rossi would understand now. JJ thought so too, but she also wished that all of this didn't just happen, because now she had to tell the rest of the team. And Rossi was trying desperately to find another way, but he knew Emily and JJ where both right. He thought about it once again and then said: ,I'm sorry!" He hugged her and then continued: ,You were right! I was -am just so scared that I can't protect you!" JJ hugged him back. ,I know! And you have nothing to be sorry about!... Listen! If it really was him,which I'm still a bit curious about, you don't have to let me listen to his voice again! You don't have to let me anywhere near him, but I want to work the case. I want to show him that he lost! Again!" They let go of each other and for a moment just looked at each other. ,Thank you! For forgiving me! But I think it is pretty clear that it is him. Look at the facts! Six shots, five hits, concealed eyes, blond and blue eyes." JJ looked at the ground, he was right, so she nodded slightly. She didn't wan it to be him.

When it went silent again, it was Hotchs turn to break it: ,Now... that everything is okay between you two,... I think you owe us an explanation!" He didn't want to crash the moment, but they still had a case to solve. Both of them looked at him, then at each other and then David said: ,I think you should take a seat, this could take a while!" Everyone did as they were told and then looked at the two agents expectantly. Rossi thought that JJ would like to start, but when he looked at her, he knew she was struggling to find the right words to begin, so he took over. ,In my third year at the BAU we got a case. They found ten bodies, all killed with five shots." He wanted to go on when Reid interrupted him: ,Why did they first call you, when they had ten bodies allready?" ,Reid I think you should let them speak till the end!" Prentiss answered him. ,Sorry, you're right." He said and loked down at his feed. ,It took them so long, to see that it was a serial killer, cause the shots were all the time on different places. Some of the wounds were just grazes. It was like somebody shot them blindfolded." He added, well aware that JJ looked down at his words. ,What told them, that it was a seriel killer, was the fact that there was allways another bullet. It took us almost four weeks to catch the murderer. His name was Thomas Merrick!" They all noticed how he spat his name, when he told them. ,We got a court order for his house, but when we wanted to open a door, but he totally freaked out. He told us to not, under no circumstances, open the door. I mean we didn't really listen to him and were about to open the door, when somebody called us from another room, to look at something. So we first went there and when we came in, we knew immediatly why he didn't want us to open the door. What we saw was... crazy! It was almost like in Garcias office, just that her decoration were weapons in this case. Everywhere were items to hurt somebody. There were notes with numbers, words and times on some and on others were notes about the improvements on each numbers. But the worst thing were the computers, that showed images of injuries on a little girl, that showed live video of this little girl blindfolded and handcuffed, sitting at the edge of her bed. Patiently waiting and listening to the sounds that were played from the boxes. We immediatly ran back to the room and this time really opened the door. And in that moment we first almost got deaf by the music. The girl not even flinched, when we came in. I ran to her kneeled down in front of her and then did one of the stupidest thing I could have done in the moment. I took her blindfold of." He stopped taking a deep breath, remembering the scared eyes of the girl. When he looked up he could see the confused faces of the three men, sitting in front of him. And even though they were told not to, Morgan asked the question, everyone wanted to: ,Why was that a mistake?" Emily gave him a glare, but JJ shook it off. ,It's fine! ...It's because, until that point of my life, I never not wore the blindfold. And when they then turned the sounds off... It just freaked me out."


	6. Chapter 6

,I never saw someone so scared of ...humans! From this patient little girl, to a girl with a mental break down, rocking back and forth, trying desperately to get away from everybody, just because she could ...see! The worst thing was, she wouldn't calm down until somebody put that blindfold and the sound back on. We had to do things that normally weren't allowed! I mean, the sounds were extremely loud and it was amongst other things, Thomas voice! Making noises with his voice I didn't even know exist! Noises, from which everybody would get a headache! But to her, they were ...calming! It was terrible!" He looked at her comforting, cause he knew that right now, it would be her part of the story. It would answer a lot of the questions the others had. JJ recognized his message and knew what he was thinking and ...he was right: ,On that day I was both, the most scared and happiest girl in the world. Well I didn't really know that I was happy ...But I knew deep down that them being there, was a good thing! Well, you also have to say that, until that day I didn't know anything! I didn't know what humans were. I didn't even know they existed. My whole life, I was in that room blindfolded and listening to those sounds. And I was eight on that day!" Emily grabbed her hand and JJ gave her sad smile. ,Thomas trained me to do a lot of things, some of them were normal, like brushing my teeth, hair, going to the toilet. Although speaking ...wasn't one of them. I mean, I knew a few words from the sounds, cause the most tasks I had to do, he told me trough songs. But the most words I knew were swear words, he screamed at me when I had to be punished. But the most things he trained me to do, were not ...normal, were not ...nice!" Everyone saw the anger and disgust in her eyes, when she told them. The problem was, the disgust was for herself, for the things she did.

She tried to find the right words how to tell them, but she just couldn't. She was so angry at herself and she knew that when she would tell them, they would hate her. All she could say was: ,He had total control over me! He... I... He... I'm sorry, I ...I can't!" JJ looked down at her feed and Rossi took her hand and put the necklace in it. It calmed her a little. He knew that, that was the hardest part for her. The guys were all shocked. What could be so bad, that our strong JJ couldn't say it.

David knew she just needed to clear her thoughts a bit so he took over: ,When we interrogated Thomas, he told us all about it. That his wife killed himself, but gave him the necklace for her.", He pointed at the necklace in JJ hand, ,Even how he trained JJ to do the things he wanted her to do. He did it by showing her how to and playing the sounds, he wanted it to have, in the backround. He trained her by doing this all over again and again and when she protested or did something wrong, he punished her. He had the total control over her. When he wanted her to do something, for example brushing her teeth, he just had to play the song for it. And this way, he could train her to do everything." He looked at her, making sure if he should tell them or if she wanted to. But by the look in her eyes, he knew that she was scared, scared that they would hate her for it. So he took her hand and told her: ,JJ look at me! It wasn't you! You couldn't control it and you know it!" She looked up at him and one could see the anger and fear in her tearful eyes. ,It was me! It was my finger! Mine!" ,But you couldn't control it! HE told you to! You had to protect yourself from another punishment! Listen! It wasn't youre fault!" ,He is right Jayje! You couldn't control it! It wasn't you, it was him, he just used you for it!" Emily added reassuringly. She kneeled down infront of her freind and then hugged her. ,It wasn't youre fault! They wont hate you!" After a while JJ nodded and then started to speak again: ,The victims of Rossis case, ...he trained me to kill them! And those weren't my first victims. These were just the first ones to be found." When she was finished, she looked up in the eyes of the three agents. Searching for the anger and disgust. But there was none! Just sympathy and pity! And thats what bemused her! Emily saw this and smiled a bit: ,I told you, they wont hate you, Jayje!" And thats all it needed to snap in Morgans head. Why could she even think they would hate her! Yes, he was angry, but not at her! He was angry at that bastard who did this to his little girl! He couldn't even imagine what she had been through! Their sweet, little, innocent Jayje, in the hands of that MONSTER! ,Jayje, we could never hate you! You did nothing wrong! Do you here me? Nothing!" She looked him in the eyes, then in everyone elses. And everyone just nodded in agreement.

It stayed like this for a while, until Rossi spoke up again. This time with pure anger in his voice: ,He trained her to fight against men that were three feet taller than her! He trained her to get ready, cuffing herself up, for beeing tortured! To get ready, for being ...raped!" He took a deep breath and JJ looked once again at the ground.

,When we could finally get her out of this house, she was still extremely scared of everything, every sound, every movement, made it even worse! We brought her to a hospital, cause she had a few injuries and just to check her out! It was hard enough with all the sounds, movements and new things, but after a little while it got worse! Cause her whole life, she has been controlled and all of the sudden she was free to kind of do what she wanted! And even when there wasn't an order, the sounds where still there, which she could hold onto! But with nothing to hold onto, I don't know what I would have done!" ,I freaked out once again, but this time I hurt myself. Because in my head, the not hearing the sounds of him, was a sign that I did something wrong. I needed to be punished!"

,We once again had to play her these sounds! Well, after a week it got better. We had brought her to a special house, where they were trying to get her without the sounds. And it eventually worked after a month. They showed her that she was allowed to do what she wanted, they teached her talking and many other things. She was extremely fast in learning! We gave her a new identity. From Shelby Merrick she changed into Jennifer Jareau, because we knew that Thomas had to go in prison for only ten years and it was very likely that he would want to get back to her. And it all went great, she did good improvements and sometimes even smiled, until that one day!"


	7. Chapter 7

,On that day, they asked her a lot of questions It were normal questions and they always watched, if she got uncomfortable. They even checked in with us, if it was okay to ask her, which they didn't have to do. But what they did later that day, wasn't okay at all! They tested her reaction, to the different sounds! They put a blindfold over her eyes and played the different sounds! There were three guys in the room with her and some other watched it over a camera! It was actually okay, but then they did the mistake!" He said and laughed half heartedly at their stupidness. But JJ snapped at that moment: ,That isn't funny!" ,They deserved it! They shouldn't have put you through it again!" He replied angrily. ,Nobody deserves that! They were seriously hurt! I would have killed them! They couldn't have known it anyways! Nobody thinks that an eight year old is able to do this! You have to add that I was blindfolded!" Rossi wanted to protest again when he saw the disappoinment in her eyes. ,You're right! I'm sorry! Well, there mistake was to play the song, that told her to kill. And JJ knew that one of the three guys wore a gun, so she did what she knew and fought. It ended with the three guys lying on the floor with several injuries and JJ pointing the gun at them. They were so lucky, because in that moment her blindfold slipt and she saw what happened." ,I dropped the gun and went into the corner the furthest away from everybody. I freaked out again and hurt me, but this time it wasn't because I did something wrong!! This time I needed to be punished for the damage I've done!" ,After that, they fortunately never tested her again! Which kind of was impossible anyways, because after that JJ never let anyone put a blindfold over her eyes again! I once got a call, when she was in school from her foster father that she was refusing to do some tasks! So he wanted me to come and talk to the director with him. Turns out the tasks had to be done with a blindfold! After that test it was extremely hard get her trust back! But now look at her, she's a very good FBI agent and helps others!" At those words JJ smiled to herself. Rossi and JJ both looked up a them and JJ almost had to laugh. They looked like they have seen a ghost. ,Hey guys, he is right, I am fine now! Yes, it was terrible and i hate me for the things I have done, but it's over now! And like Emily allready told Dave, even if he's back, this time you are here to protect me!" All three guys kind of calmed down at her words, but were still curios. ,Can I ask you something?", asked Morgan. JJ nodded. ,Why did you never told us about it before? I mean I'm not angry at you just..." He trailed off, not finding the right words. JJ took a deep breath, she kind of knew this question was gonna come: ,Well it was kind of hard to explane and..." She trailed off and looked down. ,And what Jayje? You don't have to be scared of saying it!" ,And because I thought you would hate me and be disgusted by what I've done! I didn't want to lose another friend! It wouldn't be the first time, that it would end like that! Emily just found one of the documents about the name-change! Then I had to tell her!" Morgan was shocked. How could anybody hate her or be disgusted at her, because her father tortured her?! ,Then they weren't youre real friends!" Morgan, Reid and Hotch said at the same time and looked at each other shocked. JJ, Prentiss and Rossi broke down laughing. Then Hotch spoke: ,But seriously JJ! It wasn't youre fault, so why would we hate you? I..." He wanted to say something else, when Reid interrupted him: ,Wait! But when you first started school with nine, how could you have been here seven years ago? I mean you're twentyeight!" Rossi laughed a bit and then said: ,You're not the only genius here! She has an IQ of 152!" ,Wow! Why did you never tell us Jayje?" ,JJ smirked: ,Cause then I would have had to explain, why I wasn't out of school earlier. ...Adn I didn't want to steal Reid his pride!" She joked. Reid looked at her confused: ,You wouldn't have, I'm still have an IQ of 187!" Everyone looked at him, then started laughing. He was smart, but would never understand the jokes they did!

And that night, Jennifer Jareau knew that even though it was hard, it was the right thing to tell her team, her family, because it was the first night since she got an agent, that she didn't think of how bad her team was going to react if they would find out! It was the first time JJ didn't have to worry about losing her best friend, her family! Now she could be happy!

Hey it's me, I just wanted to say thank you for reading, I hope you liked it and it would be nice if you could leave a comment! Bye!


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